____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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