your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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