If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
