i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
