why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
