i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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