HIV tests are more positive than that guy
In the future we'll all be gay
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
