i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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