Michael Bay diarrhea
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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