Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Randomize
