I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
