Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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