....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
