there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
