You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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