So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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