i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
