please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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