I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
