Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
