Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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