I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
