i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
