your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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