my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
