If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
