He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
