I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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