I wish I could punch you in the face.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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