Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
