yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
