I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
