Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
