how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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