I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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