apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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