2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just forgot I was standing up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
