Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
