So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
