the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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