If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
