Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
