dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
