Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
