A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My friends, they love my intelligence
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
