Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
