He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
