she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
