my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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