I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
