On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
