no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
