She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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